No Longer Broken – Maybe?

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Yesterday was a rough day for those of us who consider the people we meet in the blogosphere as some of our closest friends.  We lost a wonderful woman, a wonderful mother, and well, someone most of us considered a friend.  She always had words of encouragement when you needed them, and while her life was falling apart around her, she was always fought, she fought for herself, she fought for her kids, and she had just started becoming happy again.  She had finally met a guy who accepted her, and one of her final posts was about how happy she was.

Then yesterday, we all woke up to an announcement on Facebook that she had passed on in her sleep, of an apparent heart attack.  It was a shock, so say the least, and most of us openly grieved her, missing that person who had been a part of our lives for so long. I had known her for about 8 years, when I was blogging before I had Aiden.

We found each other because both of us were dealing with infertility, and when I met her, she had not had gastric bypass yet, but she wanted it, and she found me, who had already had it.  We discussed the surgery, and how well it went for me, and all the possible complications.  She had it, and started losing the weight, and then she got pregnant with twins.  She was so happy with life at the time.

We continued talking, and we both found out we were accidentally pregnant, without having to go through what we went through to get our first babies.  My pregnancy went fairly well, while she gave birth at 30 weeks.  While she was in the hospital on bedrest, I sent her books to read, because I knew she was having money issues, and we read the same kind of books.  The last book I sent her was one I wanted to read so bad, it was the newest in a series we both were reading.  I had enough money for one copy at that time, and I made sure it went to her.

We continued to talk on a fairly constant basis after that.  I cried with her her husband left her, having gone through that myself.  I talked to her when she needed me. I texted her when I was out and about, trying to help make her not feel so alone.  When she lost custody, I allowed her to cry on my “shoulder”, online as it was.

As she started coming out about her fibro pain, we discussed that as well, as I suffer from Fibro as well.  We talked about the addiction to pain pills, to anxiety pills.  We both went through the same thing when we got our meds, we also went through the same things when it came to what people thought of us.  We were able to discuss the addiction, and also how to deal with others attitudes towards us because of the addictions.  We tried to discuss ways to control the pain, and the feelings of being out of control with different methods.  At times, it felt like she was the only one who understood what I was going through, and she said the same for me.

Life without her around will be less now. I will miss her terribly.  She was the one person I felt I could be the most me around.  No one else in my life has made me feel like that, she was the only one that didn’t judge me.

Now to be judgmental on myself.  She was 4 months younger than me, and with her passing on, I got stuck thinking about my own mortality.  Until Geoff gets back, I am a single mom, with 2 kids at home.  I am anti-social enough that if I didn’t talk to anyone for a few days, no one would even think twice about it.

I worried about this a lot when Aiden was just a year old, and Bart had left us, and I knew no one.  I always worried I would die, and what would he do?  I had nightmares about it.  It was my one and only fear at that time.  It went away over time, but now it is back in full force.

Luckily, now, Aiden is old enough that we were able to go over a plan for what happens if mommy gets really sick.  We talked about it last night.  I didn’t want to scare the kids, and say, this is what you need to do if mommy doesn’t wake up one morning, and stuck with me being really sick.  I showed Aiden how to unlock the cell phone, how to call 911, how to call my best friend and my mom, and then what apartments around us to go to after that, to get an adult here right away.

It was a conversation I hated having with them, but it needed to get done.

I hate that my friend is no longer with us, I hate that her kids will no longer have her, but I will be honest, I hope that she is no longer with pain, and now able to watch down on her kids whenever she wants. I hope that she will find a happiness in the Summerlands, that she was not able to find here.

I love you Milenka, and while you left us too early, I am glad that I got to be a part of your life for the last 8 years.