No Longer Broken – Maybe?

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It never goes away…

I sit here, aware that I may never have another child.  May never feel the joy of being pregnant again.  On the flip side of that, I may never again have to feel the absolute misery that a miscarriage brings, will never have to deal with all the anxiety of getting pregnant and keeping a pregnancy.

My boyfriend, fiance, whatever you want to call him, he is not sure if he wants kids.  We are actually having some really strange arguments, as my biological clock is not turned off, and so when I get around a cute baby, it starts going even louder, or even any baby, put a baby in my arms, and you can’t hear anything but my biological clock.  Now, he is almost always on my skype, so he can hear when this happens, and one of my friends bring their baby over.

We have discussed having children.  He never really saw them in his future, and now he has to get used to having 2, with mine.  Not only two, but taking over someone else’s spot in the house.  Not in their lives, he will never replace their dad, unfortunately, but in the every day stuff.  I have mentioned that I would like to have a child with him, but it wasn’t going to be something that was a make it or break it issue in our relationship.  I have my two, if it comes down to it, I will survive without having another baby.  I am getting older.  Add that into the infertility aspect, and it’s almost easy to say, ok, no more kids.

So, we had this discussion about it, because he got a little upset about the loudly ticking biological clock, and me saying that we weren’t going to have kids, because he didn’t want them.  He made sure that I knew it was not off the table, he just wants to get married, be with me for a while, get our lives in order, and be in a good financial position to have kids.  Oh, and be in a place where I could give birth in England.

So, if you know anything about my life, all of what he just said SCREAMS no kids for you.  Which I made sure to say.  And then he got mad at me, stating that I was the one being pessimistic and it just went on.  I told him that once I hit 40, I will not be trying to have kids anymore.  At that point, the idea of being a new mom, I just don’t want to.  I have 6 years to get to that point.

Ok, so all of this has nothing to do with the title, I know.  The thing with the title, is, well, I know way too many people who are pregnant right now.  They are either in the middle of their pregnancy, or the beginning, with very few near the end.  And the jealousy, and the tears, and the hopes, and the wants, they are all fighting inside of me.  I realized those feelings I had when being in the middle of it all, in trying to have a baby, and watching so many people do it effortlessly, and well, I almost feel like I am infertility hell again, even though I am not trying for a baby.  I wonder if it is because part of me is letting go of the idea of ever having another baby.

And between you and me, it is breaking my heart.  I am not ready to say I am done.

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